I was rejected recently. Twice. I know, I can’t believe it either.

The first rejection actually came from a good, no great, friend of mine. He and I have been close for the last six years. Sometimes behaving like more than friends, as we did during my last trip to California, I thought now (then, really) would be a great time to put it out there that we should ‘try us on for size’. The timing seemed perfect; both single, both in our 30s and thinking it’s time to get a little serious about our futures.

While I attempted to construct the perfect text, I typed and then deleted about 10,000 ideas of how I was trying to pour my heart out. I finally drafted the proposition and hit send. And waited. And waited. And waited. AND WAITED A LITTLE FUCKING LONGER! Days went by. What was taking this guy so long? Had what I said been what he wanted to read/hear and he passed out out of sheer excitement? Or had I put my foot in my mouth and now risked losing someone so close that means so much to me? I had to contact The Board about this and their views were in line with mine: ‘You put yourself out there and that’s half the battle.’ It wasn’t until roughly 3 or 4 days later that I got a response.

“Hi there! Nope, not freaked out. Sorry, didn’t really have the words to respond right away. You’re BOLD Rachel, you always have been! It’s one of the things I love about you. I admire you putting it out there, not an easy thing, especially with a friend! I think if we are both honest, we know that even though we are both heading somewhere incredible, it’s not the same somewhere. Love you, always will!” 

Jesus Christ! With a response like that, I loved him even more! I wanted to hate him. I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to cry sad tears into my pillow. Instead, I passed the phone to my sister, who also wanted to feel the same things but was on the same page with me, and we cheers’d a beer to my braveness. I didn’t gain a boyfriend but at least I didn’t lose someone that means the absolute world to me. No love lost. Only gained.

In an age where you can window shop potential suitors by simply swiping left or right, it’s hard to get that sense of really putting yourself out there by flirting, courting, and pursuing. I’ll be the first to admit it, if a guy on Bumble mentions meeting up too soon in our conversation, I ‘unmatch’ him. I just don’t want that pressure. I barely know you and I’m not sure if I want to meet you yet.

But, then I have another problem. I am notorious for letting the conversation get good, even giving the fella my number just to bail out on the date. I’m getting anxiety now just thinking about walking into a crowded bar looking for someone I don’t know and have only seen photos of; most of them with the guy wearing sunglasses. (What’s up with that?!)

I don’t even like walking into a house party where I don’t know the majority of the people. I will call and text whoever I’m meeting at this party and force them to meet me outside and walk in with me. Which leads me to my next rejection that happened this past weekend.

Sydnasty was back on the East Coast from San Diego. I traveled up to Surf City to visit her but was meeting her at her Aunt’s house. I plugged the address into my GPS, put on some Snoop Dogg and hit the road. Once I pulled into the driveway, I realized there were a lot more people there than I expected and texted her until she came outside. Of course, by then I had seen some of her family members and felt at ease to be more than an arm’s length away from my driver’s side door.

The gang was all there. Syd, her ginger boyfriend (not a fan), her mom, aunt & uncle, cousins, and brother. Oh, brother.

I’d hung out with him back in February when I went to visit Syd’s mom. Nothing ever happened except plenty of drinking, some dancing, and a lot of laughing. I spent the night with him that night but was out in the morning before anyone could wake up. Mostly, because he snores as bad as, if not worse than, his sister and I just wanted to go home and take a nap. Again, nothing happened. We had been interrogated by Syd about if we had hooked up that night. Apparently, he has a habit of hooking up with her friends so I can understand her questioning.

We headed down to the island to some convenience store/bar (I can’t make that up) to see a friend of the family’s play some tunes and have some drinks. Of course, the night progresses from there to more tunes and more drinks ultimately resulting in Syd busting her head open trying to squat press her brother. And then we kissed. Not me and Syd. Her brother.

There’s always been a little flirting there. A Southern girl will know that’s just a Southern boy. But this time, this Southern girl had a little too much to drink and was going for it.

After a few more bars, we make our way to his house. Syd immediately passes out on the couch. Of course, her puppy, I mean boyfriend sits right there as she snores herself off to Dreamland as I start cooking. THAT SHOULD’VE BEEN THE FIRST CLUE THAT I WAS TRASHED. I don’t even know where the kitchen is in my own house and here I am cooking thick-cut Kansas bacon and over-easy eggs for him and his friend. After a mock proposal for providing sustenance, we give each other the look and there we go making out down the hallway to his bedroom.

Of course you know what happens next.

Fast forward past me telling Syd. Syd telling the family. The jokes. The sweet texts from him and the ‘when are you coming back up?’ conversations. Blah. Blah. Blah. Yeah. Let’s fast forward to Wednesday night when he says he’s got a question…

“So, did Syd tell you that I’ve been seeing a girl from Raleigh for about 2 or 3 weeks?” 

If you had said 2 or 3 months or years, we would maybe have a problem. You’ve been casually seeing a girl that lives an hour and a half away for ‘2 or 3 weeks’? Big fucking deal! I’ve had wine glasses in my room longer than that. While I appreciate the honesty, if this girl meant so much to you, flirting with me should’ve been the last thing on your mind, let alone taking a trip to Pound Town with me.

Blair Waldorf said it best when she said ”Once a man has tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish.”

A little too much honesty, way too late which leads me to this: Where is the loyalty? Where is the monogamy? Sure I can admire the honesty of seeing someone and wanting to see where it goes but what about  just not doing something that will cause others to question your integrity. Am I angry because he’s choosing someone over me? Absolutely. No one likes placing second.

I’m sure I’ll see him forever, his sister is my best friend after all, but the talks of flirting, going to dinner, and hanging out in the future are over for now.

Now excuse me while I have one too many glasses of wine and swipe left or right.