Currently, I’m sitting in a coffee shop listening to Rihanna’s new album and a woman bitch about her latte being ‘too wet’.
What. The. Fuck. (I really think someone should start keeping count of how often I say fuck throughout my blog. I’m sure you’d lose count like I did while trying to count the number of times that kid in Dazed and Confused touches his nose.)
I’ve spread myself a bit thin, lately. I took on a second job, trying to squeeze in some writing, have a social life, and attempting to date in a town that’s prominently gay and gray. As in, homosexual and old as fuck.
I’m having a helluva time playing on Bumble, though, the more sophisticated version of Tinder where I get to make the first move. (See: no more unsolicited dick pics.) The influx of fellas comes on weekends when all my potential suitors are in from LA with the boys for a golf weekend or a bachelor party. Sadly, most of these guys aren’t even single, just douchebags.
It’s not even that I want a boyfriend. I really don’t. Something about getting my heart broken again puts me off of serious relationships. Plus, I’m far too busy building my career but I would like to have one guy that I call up, grab drinks with and take back to my place once in a blue moon (or week) for a roll in the hay and not feel pressure to call him the next day. Unfortunately, guys these days have to be coddled, still have mommy and daddy pay their cell phone bill & insurance yet have me pay my half of the dinner tab because they’re ‘broke’. Are you fucking kidding me?
I’m not the only #bossbitch with this problem. Every Wednesday over bottomless mimosas at Pinocchio, my girls and I have this same exact conversation. We’re beautiful, talented, hard-working, hilarious women lacking excitement in the sex department. Is it acceptable to put ‘funny girl looking for guy over 6′ tall with enough money to pay for dinner and won’t spend the night after sex’ on my online dating profile?
Here’s where the whole situation goes from black and white to a little gray: I want to be courted. Yeah, like asked about my day, compliments, maybe flowers. AN ACTUAL EFFORT! I don’t want some dipshit jumping straight into private messages like ‘Hey, let’s go to Pound Town.’
Um, is there a nice restaurant on the way there with some delicious red wine and great conversation? Or you know, chemistry? Are you gonna have me laughing and enjoying myself or texting ‘911’ under the table to my girls on standby to get me the fuck out of there?
I was recently hanging out with a really wonderful guy. Tall, gentleman, sense of humor, great kisser. What was the problem, you ask? I could never picture us going back to my place, tipsy, making out, and him pushing me against a wall like they do in rom-coms before having mind-blowing sex without him asking me if my head was ok. Like my bestie, Sarah, said one time when we were back in college, ‘Girls, just need a good pounding once in awhile!’ And she didn’t mean the Chris Brown kind of pounding. Naturally, it fizzled out right after the Super Bowl…right before Valentine’s Day.
I gave one of my gorgeous girls a piece of advice one of those mimosa Wednesday’s regarding a guy that leaves her in limbo all the time. If he doesn’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day, then you have your answer about where you stand with him. Of course he redeemed himself (for the time-being) by going all out for her but all I heard from my tall gentleman was radio silence. So, I took a look at my own situation and reactivated the dating apps.
If only I had great sexual chemistry with my best guy friend. We’ve hooked up twice ages ago. Nothing to write home about and both times we were piss drunk. Does that even count, then?
We travel well together. I’ve got a great relationship with his mom. We laugh all the time. We can sleep in the same bed without it being weird. We sing (horribly) in the car together. I’m unapologetically me and he’s accepting of that. And I know that if we’re out a bar together, we’ll run into at least one Tinder Twat he’s been boning recently.
If only he was at least 3 inches taller.
So my quest for ‘true like’ continues…
But, my career. Now that’s something that hasn’t let me down. As a matter of fact, 2016 has been off to a wonderful start. You might be hearing from me a lot more.